If the international break was a human being, they’d be a d***.
You know, the sort of person to say they’ll bank transfer you for that pint but never do. The sort of person to cancel plans when you’re literally leaving the house.
We all know an international break, maybe you are one, but we could all benefit from less of them in our lives.
International break rolls on
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my rip-roaringly optimistic segue into the last week of football which has gripped us to the core with international friendlies and Nations League qualifiers.
I’m typing this with as many finger nails as a duck from the sheer suspense, drama and gripping action of it all. I was so on the edge of my seat, there’s no longer a travel corridor for me to get back to it.
And thus, what better way to look back on this razor-sharp, all-towering pinnacle of football than by celebrating it with the inaugural GIVEMESPORT Awards.
GIVEMESPORT Awards #1
Ok, the ruse is up, I don’t actually hate the international break that much - key word being ‘that’ - and I think we can all benefit from polishing a few turds in life.
So, here I am, shoe shine and faeces in hand to dish out 17 plaques for the footballing action spanning from Monday October 5 to yesterday night.
Including everything from the innocent goal and player of the week to the indescribably prestigious ‘Managerial Innuendo of the Week’, park your brain cells at the door and let’s begin:
Goal of the week
Eduardo Camavinga vs Ukraine
Ok, sure, this wasn't objectively the best goal to ripple the net during the international break, but let's all take a moment to give Camavinga a round of applause for scoring THIS on his first France start.
The Rennes youngster managed to upstage Olivier Giroud on his 100th cap by converting a sublime bicycle kick into the far top corner after his aforementioned lead man had an effort saved.
I mean, the guy was born in 2002!? I just assumed that human beings stopped being born in 2000... just to think, the guy never experienced primary school projectors or webcam selfies. Poor kid.
Player of the week
If for nothing else, Grealish deserves this award for raising a massive middle finger to the doubters by way of his masterclass against Wales, rightfully earning himself the Man of the Match award.
His absence from the Belgium game suggests that Gareth Southgate still has his worries, but the Aston Villa captain can only beat what's put in front of him and he's hardly put a foot wrong yet.
Grealish looked like the creative presence that England have been crying out for, turning provider for Dominic Calvert-Lewin almost instantly and tying the Welsh defence's legs into knots.
Special shoutout to runner-up Neymar for his thoroughly entertaining display against Bolivia, but I had to tip my hat to a player who, in just his second England cap, looks deserving of the starting XI.
Manager of the week
You what!? Is my IQ the same as the England vs Belgium score!?
Look, put your pitch forks and picket signs down for a second and let's remember that Magic Gareth managed to defeat the best team in the world with three right-backs in his starting XI.
Jose Mourinho will be crawling up the driveway of the Southgate estate later tonight in floods of tears, doubting everything he's ever known and fumbling through his wallet to try and re-sign Kieran Trippier.
Game of the week
Estonia 3-3 North Macedonia
Ah yes, the game that everybody was tuning into on Sunday... but, frankly, they should have done because this absolute classic in Estonia was twice the game that France 0-0 Portugal was.
This UEFA Nations League clash in Group C2 looked to have been confined to trivia as the hosts recovered from an early own goal to lead 3-1 through Frank Liivak and a Rauno Sappinen brace.
With that advantage maintained into the final 10 minutes, you'd think the result was sealed, but the Macedonians dramatically fought back with 80th and 87th-minute strikes to rescue a point.
Outrageous skill of the week
To be honest, this award has Neymar written all over it. Perhaps that bloke who called me about 'an accident that wasn't my fault' was the man himself wondering why I've taken so long to inaugurate this.
Well, my dear Neymar, I hope this makes up for the absence of a Ballon d'Or because you did indeed have half the Bolivian midfield dancing like you were giving them a Joe Wicks class.
But a special shoutout to Brentford and Algeria wizard Saïd Benrahma who came within a nose-hair of taking down Neymar by way of his glorious roulette against Nigeria. Close, but no cigar.
To tell you the truth, for better or for worse, it's been a bad week for diving enthusiasts out there. If you wanted top-quality simulation injected right into your veins, then this week isn't your week.
Nevertheless, we're going to give the award to Henderson for coming as close as anybody has to falling down like a sack of bricks in the past few days for winning England's penalty against Belgium.
Like it or not, it's probably still a penalty in the modern game, but the fact Thomas Meunier then proceeded to take the mickey out of him at full-time tells you everything you need to know.
Strangest punditry of the week
Ray Parlour on Mesut Ozil
I think we can all agree that the news Arsenal had made Gunnersaurus - or, to be specific, his inaugurator Jerry Quy - redundant this week was a sad story indicative of the tough times we face in a COVID-19 world.
However, credit to Ozil for announcing on Twitter that he would pay for the beloved Quy to carry on his heartwarming job... it's just a shame that some people saw the move as a simple PR stunt. Seriously.
“It is [a PR stunt], yeah,” Parlour told talkSPORT. “I wish Gunnersaurus was on £300,000-a-week because they’d get their money’s worth. I reckon it’s a very good PR stunt."
I'm sorry, Ray, I simply don't agree with you there. Ozil has proven time and time again that he's one of football's good guys by way of his unbridled charitable side that you can learn more about here.
Disasterclass of the week
We'll put our cards straight on the table here because, yes, Bushchan actually had a pretty good game during Ukraine's 2-1 defeat to Germany this weekend, but that's where the positivity ends.
Let's bear in mind for one second that Buschan started his international break by shipping seven goals against France and then dropped one of the worst clangers you'll ever see to allow Leon Goretzka to score.
Tweet of the week
Although this award will likely be populated with top-of-the-range banter in the weeks to come, we had to present it for something far more important with World Mental Health Day having just passed.
Mings beautifully and perfectly reminded everybody on Twitter that although having a special day to acknowledge mental health is an important step, it's something that we should be doing every day.
I think we can all do a little bit more to ensure that we're being kinder to those around us as well as people we don't know, while also taking care of ourselves and the battles we face in our heads.
Craziest bet of the week
I read a survey once about physical traits that are the most attractive and do you know what came top? Blokes with Conor Coady's face tattooed to them. Honestly, I know, I'm booked in already.
Ok, jokes aside, Twitter user @ashstain99 went viral for betting that he would get Coady inked on his leg if he scored for England against Wales and alas, that's exactly what happened.
We're still waiting to see the final result, but a tattoo parlour has already offered to pay for the artwork and a round of applause for Ashley for having donated £100 to Great Ormand Street Children's Hospital.
Well played, sir.
The Sunday League award
Bloke in denim
Stop the press. Take a deep breath. Switch to a private browser if you have to.
Ok, sure, this photo technically went viral last weekend, but we had to make a technical exception for quite possibly the most Sunday League thing of all time: a bloke playing in denim shorts.
I'd love to have seen the thought process. Scrambling through your wardrobe at 8am, still slightly drunk from the night before, grabbing what you think are blue sports shorts but are actually a prime pair of Levi's.
Then again, if I had to play 90 minutes in denim, the chaffing would be unbearable. The inside of my thighs would look like satellite imagery of Mars by the time the final whistle blew.
S***housery of the week
Oh come on, it's week one and Suarez is already winning. We might as well name the darn thing after him and make a trophy that's a bronze bust of his plotting, conspiring face.
When Uruguay smashed over a dramatic winner over Chile when they'd just been denied what looked to be a clear penalty for handball, the Atletico Madrid man simply couldn't help himself.
Instead of running off to join his teammates in celebrations, he made sure one of the gutted Chile players had a real good understanding of the scoreline. Wonder what Luis will get up to next week...
Roy Keane award
It might have been a story dating back to 2019, but the reemergence of the ruling that people with more than 30,000 followers on social media are celebrities this week would be enough to send Keane into fits of rage.
The prospect of @CatVideos110107575838 walking around as though they're God's gift to mankind would have the United legend frothing from the mouth and to be honest, I'd be inclined to agree.
Man Utd penalty of the week
Marcus Rashford vs Belgium
Ah yes, the award we've all been waiting for. Sod the Oscars, tell the Grammys to do one and shove the Nobel Prize where the sun don't shine because this is the gong that everybody wants.
So, drumroll please, the Man Utd penalty of the week goes to their very own Marcus Rashford for holding his nerve from the spot in the 2-1 win over Belgium.
Frankly, the Earth would stop turning and go into reverse gear if a United player didn't take a penalty and Rashford wasn't alone either with Scott McTominay scoring in Scotland's shootout win.
Ex-United man Romelu Lukaku even won and took a penalty, so rest assured that the normal order of life itself is getting along just fine.
Managerial innuendo of the week
‘Two of them scored and the only sadness is there’s nobody in the stadium to see it because you want to share those moments with a big crowd and feel that adrenaline as well.’
Wow... ok, whatever they're into, Gazza. I'm sure we'd all feel a bit of adrenaline if there was a big crowd watching.
Urban Dictionary of the week
Word: Heath Map (adjective)
Definition: Completely dominating, even in areas you aren't expected to
In a sentence: Jurgen Klopp gave a roaring team-talk to his Liverpool squad, before proceeding to dish out programmes and rustle up Pukka Pies like there's no tomorrow. He was having an absolute Heath Map.
TV Burp award
Most awkwardly-timed marriage proposal of the week
Sheesh. Somebody should have told Meunier that Henderson was already hitched, poor lad.
Onto week two...
If you've made it this far, then I regret to inform you that your IQ has probably dropped a few notches, but I think we've all watched a football match that makes us feel that way sometimes.
Next week, the international break will be firmly in the rear-view mirrors and my blood pressure, in turn, will slowly decline as I wean myself off moaning about the invention of international friendlies.
Remember, it's all a bit of fun - especially if you're reading, Mr. Southgate - but most importantly of all, stay safe out there and never take the beautiful game too seriously.
- England squad ranked from worst to best
- Henderson mocked for penalty at FT vs Belgium
- Match report: England 2-1 Belgium